Michelle mentioned in her blog that we went through some very difficult times in January.  She was suffering from some major depression and we had a very hard time moving our relationship forward.  She was very kind, in her blog, to indicate that I was working hard on myself (in many aspects of my life including my work, exercise and fathering).  Similarly Michelle worked very hard at conquering her so called demons and came out a much stronger and wiser person.

We managed to work our way out of this situation, and as a result our relationship has gotten stronger.  It is important to recognize that every relationship has its’ ups and downs and it is important to recognize that and don’t get “stuck”.  Dealing with issues like that is hard enough, but it becomes even tougher when one of the people involved is co-dependent (yes I’m talking about myself here).

Many people have different ideas what codependency is.  Matter of factly, codependency is a disease.  It affects our personal lives: our families, children, friends and relatives; our businesses and careers; our health; and our spiritual growth.  It is debilitating and, if left untreated, causes us to become more destructive to ourselves and others.  Many of us have codependent characteristics, but it’s the constant patterns over an extended period of time that truly defines a codependent individual.  Here is a a brief list of some of the common traits of codependents http://www.codependents.org/tools4recovery/patterns.php.

I have been a codependent for a very long time.  I believe the patterns, for me, started as early as elementary school, but really solidified by high school.  I found many of the characteristics/patterns of behavior that can define a codependent I have.  It was very scary for me when I read the list for the first time and could pick out a majority of the patterns to define myself quite easily.  Some of the outstanding issues included feelings of inadequacy, needing to prove my love in order to get love, difficulty in communicating my own feelings and difficulty in making decisions.

You know what’s better than being married to a Life Coach?  Being married to a life coach who specializes in boundary building!  One issue that is common to all codependents is the lack of boundaries.  In fact, when I was first asked to describe what a boundary was, I could not answer at all (I basically had a stupid blank look on my face … thankfully, I don’t get that “face” as often anymore).  That was about 4 years ago (about the same time I met my wife, funny that).  Even though I started learning about boundaries and what they were, I had a difficult time putting to practice what I learned.  Now about 4 years later, I’m getting it!  As a result progress has been steady although challenging at times, forward movement has been made.

People should also recognize that recovering from codependency is a life long process.  It doesn’t just magically go away one day and you’re “normal”.  One measure for me and the success of my marriage is the ability to notice when the codependent patterns appear in my everyday life.  One such major “warning” is the feeling of being comfortable.  I think Michelle and I have learned that if we are comfortable with our relationship (you know that feeling that everything is going so well and it feels that nothing can go wrong … life is perfect) that is the time to challenge yourselves, individually and as a couple and move forward with your relationship.  Whether you challenge yourself by starting a new hobby (separately or together) or change things up in the bedroom, you need to move forward.  The best way to ensure this happens is through honest and open communication.

In my own opinion I would like to think that “Open and honest Communication is vital for a healthy relationship”.  I don’t think it can be any simpler than that.  At home, at work, and with others the ability to communicate openly can create a solid foundation for healthy and beneficial relationships.  Words like assertiveness and integrity can be implied here as well (your definitions of those terms may very from mine).  Assertiveness is the ability to be able to speak how you feel without fear, but understanding the consequences of your actions.  Integrity is a two way deal.  Being able to understand the feelings of the individual who is communicating to you and inversely to discuss things when it is appropriate.

This is all fine and dandy, but what happens when a codependent screws up (likewise when two people have a major disagreement or falling out).  An example of this happened to me last week.  I won’t go into details other than to say I pissed Michelle off because I neglected to include her in some very important family issues (dealing with my son, her step-son).  In most cases my plea would have been asking for forgiveness, trying to learn from the situation and move on.  This sometimes can be an okay method of dealing with the problem.  In this case however, Michelle and I decided to handle things a little differently.  I started with acknowledging the fact that I indeed made a mistake.  I then apologized for my actions.  Thirdly I asked how can I make it up to her.  (You may have noticed here, that these are the 3 steps to handling an apology.  This is a good thing, and it does happen most every time Michelle or I make a mistake.  However there is a twist that I’m going to describe next).  Once an appropriate action was decided we did something that we really haven’t done before (and I think all couples should really pay attention here) … we then celebrated my “fuck-up”.  This was the most amazing thing.  We went out and had some Marble Slab Ice Cream.  Instead of dwelling on the incident and re-living the event until the action was completed.  We started the healing process (and I would argue sped it up as well) but changing the way we deal with the issues.  It was both incredible and simple and has paved a way to dealing with conflict and stife in our relationship that much quicker.  Wow!

Changing your normal behavior, “unlearn” stale and outdated ways of dealing with conflict (especially if you’re a codependent) and this can lead you down a path to improved relationships with your spouse, family, friends and co-workers.  Challenge every day comfort, do things differently.  Encourage new ways to deal with conflict (during or after), and learn from those changes.  Understand that there are going to be differences in any relationship and how we learn to deal and communicate those differences will only lead to more satisfactory and fulfilling lives and relationships.

Lenny Post

I’ve been meditating, taking interest in my home, crafts, friendships and even called my mother for the first time in 4 years.  Learning acceptance among many other things in my life so I can move forward and be the person I want to be.  I feel I have the freedom AND the support at the same time.

What does this have to do with boundaries and love?  Well our relationship could have gone an entirely different direction with what happened in January.  With divorce rates on the rise and even 50% of marriages in Alberta alone so far don’t last, how can people ensure that their marriage is going to be a success?

Living your life with integrity.  Thats a big word.  As my hubby learned, co-dependent people say yes to anything and everything in order to please people in the moment, without examining themselves and what it is they want.  Others say yes simply for fear that if they don’t go along with their spouses wants then they will be abandoned.  Later in relationships each “yes” person will get feelings of resentment towards their spouse and then turn the “blame” to their spouse for not looking at their own personal needs, even though they never expressed themselves in the first place.

When my hubby and I first got together in a relationship we became serious about eachother and our intentions right away.  We had the hard conversations and asked eachother “what was it in our previous relationships that didn’t work, and what do we want to work on now so that we can have a successful relationship in the hard times as well as the good?”  Both of us agreed that communication was number one in our relationships that never worked and that is what we needed to work on now to ensure our growth as a couple.

The very first instance of me needing to communicate my feelings to him was one of the toughest I’ve ever been through.  He had previously given me permission to stay over the weekend before while he and I were out with a few drinks with friends.  I was elated, he said that the Boy would love it too because he loved me so much already.  When it came time for me to stay over he had forgotten what he said the week before and was telling me when I would have to leave.  I was hurt, not for the fact that I couldn’t stay over, I would never argue with him as a parent in that regard, it was the telling me one thing and then changing it the next instance.  I was hurt and the typical thing most of us do is get upset privately, in front of others.  (Well, men would argue that’s a women thing, I can’t disagree alot).  When we are asked what is wrong the typical response is “nothing”, and expect others to read our minds.  I’ve been guilty of this in my past and wanted more than anything to get past this problem.

When he asked me what was wrong I blurted it out what was going through my mind, and with eyes streaming from fear of being honest, I was in turmoil of losing my relationship already.  He hugged me so hard and said he couldn’t believe I was talking to him and saying what I felt out loud, he loved me even more for that vulnerable moment.  It was so good for me and him to see that we could progress both as individuals and as a couple so early on.

We often hear how amazing our relationship is from others even though we go through such times of strife to such wonderful times.  I love him so.

When planning a serious relationship with someone there are conversations that need to be had with eachother that most people are too fearful to have.  Some of the biggest questions to ask eachother and be completely honest is:

How do you see this relationship progressing?

What do you see us doing in the next 20  years?

How do you envision us being in our retirement?

Do you want children?

If so, what are the life lessons you want to instill on them?

What do you want to work on personally and individually that I can support you in?

What do you want our relationship to work on that we both get to support?

I’ve seen couples who don’t ask eachother these hard questions and give eachother honest answers, that they are just deciding to “exist” together and not “be” together.  These questions are important to remind eachother of when things go astray during the ups and downs of all serious relationships.  And just because someone’s answer doesn’t match our own doesn’t mean that’s the end of the relationship.  That difference could mean the potential for growth for the other person.  And at the same time, it may signify that your values are completely out of alignment with eachother and may not be the best match for either of you.  But its up for each of you to be honest, to accept that honesty and truthfulness as separate and distinct and  just as important to each person.

If you are having a hard time accepting differences in others you may want to seek outside your marriage for support, church, groups, counseling and coaching are great ways to help you learn and grow yourself into the person that you truly are, deep down.

For more information on boundaries and coaching, contact Michelle Post at michelle@making-strides.ca or (403) 266-2867.

The reason why I haven’t posted is because I hit a huge depression in January.  Stemmed by many various circumstances, it was full blown depression.  I had, what felt like, a rock behind my heart that was so big it was even hard to breath.  I didn’t want to do anything and had no drive or motivation.  I cried every day and felt like my life had absolutely no meaning to it.

It wasn’t that the depression had no warning and I didn’t know it was coming.  I definitely felt it coming in December.  Here’s what happened.

My husband and I have been trying for a baby.  This year I’ll be 40 years old and have never had any.  I’m mentally ready to do all the things a good mother should do.  Unfortunately my body is not as spry as it used to be.  My husband is 44 years old and has a child of his own by his former wife and adopted her daughter who is estranged.  He has felt that he parented the children by himself and even though he told me he was in on having a child with me, he was doing it more for my sake than his own.  When the time came to “try” his body didn’t work the way it should.  After 2 months of this we had to look at this with the perspective of ‘what is in the way’?  Turns out my husband wasn’t sure himself if he wanted to have children because of what he went through in his past both as a parent and the example he had of his own parents.  We started fighting.  I told him that no matter what, he needs to make a stand for himself, either he does or he doesn’t, because doubt will always get in the way.  No matter if your 20 or 40 trying to have children, or accidentally having children.  There is always doubt.

By then it was too late for me.  Full depression had formed and I felt that the world was against me for having a child.  My doctor dropped the ball in November when we asked her to send us to the Family clinic so we could start invitro processes.  She never did send in our requisition until the beginning of February.  We have  found out that my hubby does have a motility issue and natural pregnancy will be very difficult for us.

2 years of trying and what could have been…… the eternal saboteur, my helplessness, 2 years of putting my own life off for nothing…. oh the saboteurs had a field day with my thoughts.

Having the “fights” with my husband was huge and painful.  Turns out my husband is “codependent” to a huge degree.  I couldn’t do anything without him trying to “fix” me, but his way of fixing me was different than what I was telling him my needs were.  I felt I wasn’t being listened to.  I got worse and worse and realized the helplessness that I felt as the same feeling when I was living with my family of origin.  My parents were highly co-dependent and instead of allowing each individual person to undertake the responsibility for their own life, they would turn to me to blame for everyone else’s bad behaviours, circumstances or feelings.

When he was trying to fix me I felt I had no control over my own life.  What I need, what I want, my values, qualities, time, everything was for naught.  I told him that I need him to stop trying to fix me, and start dealing with himself.  I didn’t have the energy to work on me, and him.  It was as if he was so dependent on me to tell him whats wrong that he didn’t bother to figure himself out and would just wait for me to tell him and that’s not the person that I am or who I want to be.

So the boundaries I used was honesty, reality for what the truth really is; I used the boundary of skin, what I was responsible for and what I was not responsible for; and then I used support.  Turns out there is a group here in Calgary for co-dependents.  So I made time to go and told my husband he can come if he wants.  I needed to go because I needed to learn how to live with someone who is co-dependent without losing my mind.

We both went.  There wasn’t much for me to go on there but turns out there was for him.  He got it.  He understood what it was like for him to be a co-dependent and started learning to be honest with himself for his negative feelings.

Since I no longer had to work with him on him, the energy I actually did have I was able to turn to me.  I booked myself for a meditation class right away, just to get out of the house and deal with my own saboteurs.  I talked to friends about my depression and found alot of support in friends that don’t even know about depression, or even experienced it themselves.  But they were accepting that I was going through it.  I went back on the medication for hormonal balancing and I took time to battle the ever present “but I should be doing this…” saboteur and really took time to allow myself to heal.  I also tried to look at positive sides in my life.  I started walking and gave myself a purpose.

What has helped my relationship is that every time I see my husband “trying” for himself and going outside of his comfort zone to express himself to me, I tell him how proud I am of him for continuing to do his work on himself.  I am realistic that he will have moments where he still is co-dependent and that its okay for him to fail, as long as he recognizes it and still tries afterwards.  Which he has been doing.  Its also okay for me to handle it, and not handle it properly.

My husband is a different man today than he was 3 months ago.  Even though he will always be a co-dependent, he is still working on himself and learning to share his own negative side with me, which to me is gorgeous.  What he views as negative is not the same thing I do so I just love him more and more every time he shares with me.

As for having children, well we’re still going to try but it doesn’t look good for us.  I have to live in reality and I definitely don’t want to hold my life off anymore because of it.  If it happens we will be wonderful and excited parents, and if it doesn’t I still have the most wonderful man who loves me for me, and not for my ability to conceive or not.  I am truly blessed.

Michelle

2009 was a year of sharing with everyone what a boundary actually is.  Learning for each individual what you own and what you don’t own.

As we grow up in our lives, we mimic the tools that our parents give us in order to prepare us for the “real world”.  If we see our parents unable to own or not own theirs or other peoples issues, respectively, then we believe that is how we are to be.  Some people, instead of dealing with issues, and in order to not hurt other people’s feelings, shove their issues deep inside and pretend they don’t exist, or they are not valid issues.  When in fact, they actually are.  But we do what we think or feel is acceptable behaviour.

For those who shove their issues inside, may take up something else to keep them occupied.  Those issues don’t go away just because we want them to.  They actually fester and can even cause illness for some.  Some people will take up smoking, or eating, or drugs, or even exercise in order to deal.  These are other tools that people use in order to get along with the world.  People have choices on which tools they want to  use, however some of the consequences to some of those tools just so happen to be addiction.  Today I want to focus on food addiction.

I love food.  My husband and I love food.  We love to eat well together.  We are slightly overweight by the BMI standards.  Each of us could lose 10 to 20 lbs.  My husband works out several times per week and still maintains 10-20 lbs over weight.  I hate going outside or doing anything in the winter because of the cold, but have changed habits from last year to only gain 10 lbs over this winter season, last year it was 20 lbs.  I seem to have an incredibly slow metabolism from the previous illness with Crohn’s disease.  I can work out and work out and eat healthy and eat healthy but my weight doesn’t want to ever get past that 154 lb mark.  (yes I just broadcasted some of my weight on live blogging, ick)

What I have noticed over the past year is that when my husband and I are eating together, I get very agitated when I find I might not be getting what I consider “my fair share”.

As a child my father would grab stuff from my plate and say “are you going to eat that?”  He was always joking around like that, however I some how took it to mean that I need to get my fair share.  When we had treats around the house and I wanted to save mine for later, I would always find it missing and realized growing up that if I didn’t eat it right then and there whether I wanted it or not, I was never going to have it again.  When I came down with my illness at 19 years old all I could do was eat and eat, my body was starving from the inability to absorb food so when I was on medication I ate and ate and ate.  And then when I finally lost the illness I came out of it at 32 years old believing that I have to eat everything there is in front of me or I might starve to death.

Even though I started exercising at the same time I lost the illness, I managed to put on over 30 lbs in a year and since then haven’t been able to take it off.  So when I sit down with my husband and eat it is very difficult for me to put less on my plate than what he puts on his plate.  Its difficult to hear my body say its no longer hungry instead of its so full my stomach feels like its splitting.

These are issues that I own.  No one is now responsible for these feelings that I get when I eat and what eating means to me, except me.  It is up to me to recognize my habits and if I truly want to change them, then I need to do the work to change my perception of food and its meaning to me.  I need to prioritize what is important to me and then stick up for those priorities.  As hard as it may get, it is still up to me.

For those of you who would like to discover new tools to use to help you maintain your health and wellness goal, you can email me at michelle@making-strides.ca or call (403) 266-2867.

For information and help on nutrition and dieting, contact Alexandra Kariagiannis at puresensehealth.com or (403) 457-3673.

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How does this work if I’m separating what I own versus what you own?  Good question.

Think of our very cells that work in our body.  Each and every cell has a unique and different function.  Liver cells work together in the liver.  Brain cells work together in the brain.  They know their place and what they are supposed to do.  Each cell’s cell wall is their boundary of skin.  They own what is inside their own cell.  They need to look after themselves in order to keep the function of the brain intact.  If any of them is a “bad cell” then the other “like” cells can come over and lend their energy to the best of their ability to the one “bad” cell.  If they deplete their own energy, they need to take a break, allow others to come in and help out, so they can rejuvinate in order to help again.  If at any time the one helping cell gives away their energy, instead of lending it, they face the possibility of never regaining that energy and then the actual possibility of 2 cells now require help.  If that happens continually, then health issues happen, cancer, tumors, and for me, crohn’s disease.  Brain cells do not go down to the liver and start helping out there.  They don’t have the same values, energies or talents.  Every individual cell needs to be respected individually, when they are they work together as a beautiful team creating the function of each organ.

Each organ now works together in perfect unison.  Because of each organ knowing its own function, humans are able to walk, to bend, to sit, to think, to create, to learn.  The entire body of each individual is made up collectively of individual cells working within their own boundaries.  We now have this wonderful individual called YOU.

Now that you know each cell’s responsibility, you too have the same obligation to mankind.  When you are whole and defined you are perfectly within your rights to lend your whole energy to others who are in need.  Each person works within their specialities, talents and values to create the best person they can be.  When you have 2 people working together, expressing themselves, asking for support, understanding where they begin and where they end and respecting other peoples beginning and ending, then you have 2 people, whats that called?  A group of people?  Then let’s say you attract another group of people who have similar interests and talents and values.  Your group is now larger and each person is expressing themselves as an individual and at the same time creating influence for others in their own personal growth.  You now have a community.

What say your community comes together with another community, separated by city lines, working side by side with each other to create the best community they can, and other communities come together, well then you have a city.  Then you have cities situated nearer to each other and many surrounding towns, then you have a province.  How about several provinces all within the boundaries of a large land mass: then you have a country.  Several countries now all put together on several land masses, which now make up the earth.

Each cell as an individual, each individual as a person, now we are all sharing our energies together with people all around the world as one consciousness, sub or otherwise.

Create a wonderful boundary for yourself this holiday season.  Learn your own personal values and talents, develop yourself and grow.  Learn what your best actually means to you and sometimes you can be your best even at your worst, with your own values.

For more information contact Michelle Post at (403) 266-2867 or michelle@making-strides.ca

As adults (the age of maturity) we become responsible for ourselves.  Our parents do what they can simply to grow you up.  I’ve said quite often in my life, of course my children are going to be messed up, its about messing them up the least.  Very rarely do children not take issue with their parents.  Its cool when I hear people who don’t.

Of course with proper boundaries, an adult who hits maturity recognizes the tools they didn’t receive from parenting and looks towards different support systems to find the tools they need to continue growing themselves up.  They take responsibility for their own actions and become self aware.  They take action and do the hard work.  Delay gratification as Drs. Cloud and Townsend would say in their boundaries book.  It is fantastic to see and the majority of us see it quite late in life and for some not at all.

Blame becomes positive when it is not used as a tool.  When someone who is known to take responsibility for themselves has an interaction with someone who does not take responsibility for themselves, blame can be used in order to show the non-responsible person what they are truly responsible for.  (Eg., you made me feel guilty, how could you do that to me?, response: I am not responsible for your guilt, you are.) That may or may not set someone off if they are not used to being treated as a person who is capable of dealing with themselves.

Oh, I love that.  When you see someone who needs help, do you help them?  Do you help them help themselves?  When you do a favor for someone, is that favor yours or their responsibility for going wrong or even right?

People who are givers and are unaware of themselves and self ownership often will do favors for others.  If they make a mistake and hurt the person they are doing the favor for, they have a tendency to blame their friend for their own feelings of guilt, instead of taking ownership of themselves and their personal choice to do that favor.

Guilt and blame.  Who wants to tell me about that?  The most useless emotion is guilt.  It is a go nowhere emotion.  It walks hand in hand with blame.  When people feel guilty about something they sometimes will do their damnest to make it up to so-and-so and will not stop to see how so-and-so needs to respond to themselves.  Or another option is them feeling so guilty that they choose not to be in relationship with that person.  They also may choose to procrastinate their own responsibilities, or ignore the situation as if it didn’t happen.  Another thing that people do with guilt is blaming the other person for putting them in that position in the first place.  Guilt is a negative emotion and in no case, is it ever a positive.  If you feel guilt that is your feeling and never the other person.  It is up to you to figure out what your responsibility is and work with your own issue of where and why it is occurring.  Move past it, seriously. Guilting others is used by controllers.

When someone actually tries to guilt me, because I believe so strongly about the negativity of guilt and how controllers use it as a tool, I personally go right to anger.  I move past all the emotions of controllers right to that negative spot.  The biggest emotion I miss out on is sadness.  I don’t personally know the whole range of emotions involved in going from guilt to anger, but there is more than one.  Sadness is a big emotion involved.  I usually ask myself when I’m angry at someone trying to guilt me, “what is the sadness in this?”.  If I allow myself to feel the range of emotions involved, the anger part of it doesn’t last so long and I can get past whatever the issue is sooner, rather than later.

Because I can move on sooner rather than later, I can get back to my life and what it is that I truly want out of it.  Blame goes away and abundance comes back to me.  I can feel happiness and be successful in whatever I choose to do.  I have a new tool in my life now that replaces blame and guilt.  Successful people sometimes don’t even know blame was an option in the first place.  How cool is that?

For more information on boundary coaching, contact Michelle at (403) 266-2867 or email at michelle@making-strides.ca.

Our legal system is the epitome of blame. Someone did this to me, someone did that to me, I’ll just sue, then they’ll see.  We’ve seen this all over the news where people are suing for the most ridiculous things.  Most of these are called frivolous lawsuits.  Some actually leak through and make it to court.

The basic original function of the legal system is to incorporate consequences when someone has been wronged to the point that they cannot function forward.  When someone gets a consequence for doing this wrong, the basic freedoms that they take for granted are taken away, so they can in turn, feel the pain they’ve caused others and ideally learn from that.  Most of these offenders take these freedoms for granted or they are so broken themselves that they don’t even recognize these freedoms as a positive in their own lives.

When someone does us wrong in our own lives, those are boundaries.  The original idea when someone does this is to promote “natural” consequences, not contempt or blame towards them.  Successful people look at the negative situation as a whole and try to find the options they need in order to move forward.  Blame does the exact opposite.  Blame stops a person from not only being able to move forward in their own lives, but is also used as a tool for controllers.

Alot of us have grown up in households where blame has been that tool and we’ve taken that tool into our adult lives and used it in order to not get into trouble.  I, like alot of people, have been known to carry grudges in my life.  It was a tool I’d gotten in my family.  I had to know absolutely every detail of every situation in order to avoid getting blamed for issues and situations that I did not own.  As an adult I carried that into relationships.  Of course those relationships did not work out.  Relationships are not built on keeping score.  I had also developed paranoia for a long time in my life because of this tool.  I was always worried about what the other person was going to do to me so that I could correct it before it started, or when it started.

Blame only has one good quality about it.  It is used only when someone else is trying to blame you for what they themselves own.  I had a great friend at one time turn to me as I was telling her my story from childhood and why I can’t stand when she treated me the same way, she said “I don’t own that!”…. She stopped me dead in my tracks.  Even though her behaviours reminded me of what I had gone through, she still was not responsible for how I felt about it now.  I owned that myself.

Blame is a tool, as an adult that is what you focus on.  How do you go about changing that when it is what you know?  Blame is about focus.  What are you focussed on?  Where else in your life do you stop short because of what “other people” do?  How can you forgive someone when you actually blame them for who you are today?

Blame will stop you from forgiving.  Blame will stop you from proceeding.  Blame will stop you from going forward with what it is you really want out of life.

What other tool can you use in order to stop the blame game and truly go for what fulfills you?  If you are having issues with your significant other at this time in your relationship, what is it that you blame them for?  If you weren’t dependent on their behaviour in order to blame them, how would you like to see yourself proceeding?

For more information please contact Michelle at michelle@making-strides.ca or phone (403) 266-2867.

Hey there Michelle!
Well a very powerful article there, and I agree with a lot of it, I am going through wrestling with forgiveness with someone right now, but you already know that I almost called her yesterday to forgiver her in part in……well all the pain that i still feel today and will probably feel for a long time.
I have pretty much the same ideals as you when it comes to forgiveness, but I have a slightly different perspective when you got to number 3. “HOW DO I MAKE IT UP TO YOU?”
I give ya what I’m thinking and let me know what you think.
It has to do with expectations of that person, you put it out there and say the words “how are you going to make it up to me?”, no matter how delicate you say that, you are putting an expectation on them, and if they didn’t think of a way of making it up to already, then they probably won’t. And if they didn’t think of a way, or it didn’t even cross their mind and you say that to them, you are almost crossing a boundary with them. And anytime you have an expectation of someone and they don’t live up, there is only let down. I belive in mistakes, life is just one big beautiful mistake.
Anyways…….. If they are a type of person that didn’t think of making it up to you, then they probably won’t be able to process or positively vocalize the feelings of having their boundary crossed.
So I look at it his way.
Someone wrongs me, I have to process what they did to me right away because if I don’t then my ego takes over, and we all know what happens when egos take over in dealing with emotions. And when I process this, I usually take at least 24 hours to do this, that way I get a sleep in between. I vocalize my feelings in a positive way, and they usually apologize for it. Now I have processed the wrongdoings already, so there is no harm, but if this behavior of wrongdoings continues, then that is mentioned to this person that there appears to be a cycle present. Now it would be good to morph #3 and say something like “I’m finding it difficult dealing with this over and over, what can you do about this so we don’t go through this again?”
That way the person is doing #3 by doing something to make it up to me, but they are doing it by improving themselves. Win win!!
When it comes down to it, reality is like crystal. The light of the universe beams into this crystal and it breaks off into billions of different light realities. Each one of these different beams are our own personal beams of reality of everyone on the planet. We can only expreience our own realities, we cant jump over to someone else’s beam and change the colours, skew, tint, whatever. So all we have is ourselves, some beams will be closer to us than others but we will never change the other beams, alter, or see what the other beams see. So knowing that, I will only effect myself, and if there is a lesson coming down my light stream, then I better learn it so I don’t have to repeat it. But feel the warmth and love of the beams around you, it will only help you grow!!

edit this on November 3, 2009 at 3:35 pm | Reply michellepost

It is never a boundary that you are crossing when you are stating, with ownership, your own boundary. The boundary that is being crossed is when a person does not state their boundary because they fear the other person’s response to their own statement. The first boundary of skin teaches us that we do not own someone else’s feelings, actions, values, boundaries, inactions and the like. If you are anticipating what boundary you think you are crossing for someone else, then it is you crossing the boundary by anticipating what others think. In coaching we call that a saboteur. A saboteur will stop you dead in your tracks from having the life that you truly deserve.

There is nothing wrong with having reasonable expectations of others. I expect to be treated with respect and consideration in my life. If I am not being treated that way then how am I contributing to that? Am I not stating my boundaries or values to others? Am I allowing others to walk all over me? I’ve had a recent situation where I’ve asked certain people to stop making me responsible for their decisions and choices when we are a team effort, and when that was clear, caught myself taking full responsibility for something that was a joint effort.

When it comes time to ask for someone to make it up to you, it is you that needs to come up with something beneficial that would help you forgive. Eg., someone smashed your car and totalled it, and they want to make you dinner to make it up to you. Is that reasonable? Or would you go to the insurance company so that you can get another vehicle?

If someone else actually learns by you stating your boundary, it is up to them to do the learning and not you to insist that they get that learning at that exact time. Sometimes people don’t tie in events until other events occur. No party will dictate to me when I learn, how I learn, the means I learn by and so forth. That is mine. This is why stating your boundary and asking for the work to be done must come from you with the intention that you will be able to get back on track. Not with the intention that “they will get whats coming to them”.

It is a win win when everybody learns. The reality of life is that not everyone is self aware, or has personal growth that is on the same time schedule. It is up to us to have compassion for others to do their learning at their ability, but to continue that growth by stating our own boundaries and values. If people choose to not respect your boundary and they leave your life, again, that is and was their choice on how to deal with it. You do not own that. Allow others to own themselves and their actions and reactions. Allow others to have their own personal growth. Live your life as fulfilled as you can be, with integrity.

Obviously I have moved on.  I’ve gotten married, changed careers, own a home, have pets, am a step-parent and am working on being a parent.  Yet our negative relationship still haunts me.  Other people say to just get over it, or even she’s done the best she can.  I haven’t been able to believe that because even as a coach, I have always believed that everyone is naturally creative, resourceful and whole, no one is broken, no one needs fixing, if anyone is stuck, they are exactly that, stuck, and all the answers can come from within.  I have always believed that and feel I always will.  So what does that have to do with forgiveness?  Hope.

I hope that my mother will see herself as not broken so that she will acknowledge herself, therefore acknowledge me.  I hope that she will change how she interacts with people.  I hope that she starts to believe that how she views things is more important than how she views others view her.  I hope she finds the strength to quit smoking and clear up her fibromyalgia by healing herself.  I hope that she understands that she is capable.  And the list goes on.

All of this hope is what I want from her.  Maybe its actually not what she wants for herself.

So how I want her to be is all my own personal agenda.  Maybe her wholeness is the oval to my circle.  Maybe her own agenda has nothing to do with me.  Maybe this is the only way she knows how to be in the world.  Maybe she’s not open to her own personal growth.  If any of this is the case, my hope of her changing is what’s feeding my addiction to needing her to change.

What if I change my perspective?

People who are in any form of relationship with anyone out with a physical or recognizable mental illness do the work it takes to learn about the illness.  A family I knew found out that the step-son who came to live with them had Asperger’s, a type of autism.  At first they did not know and they treated  him badly.  He did not have the capability to form relationships outside of himself and his needs.  There was no empathy.  He was treated as someone who deserved abusive treatment (mostly the siblings, they didn’t know better).  When they finally found out the child was already  9 or 10 years old.  He was diagnosed quite late in life.  The family did the research to understand what it was like for him to live in his own world.  That way they could be in a nurturing relationship with him to the best of their ability. He was forgiven for his issues and the family moved on with the new knowledge.

How is that different for someone who simply doesn’t look abnormal?  There is nothing diagnosed that they have a problem, but like everyone, we all have different values, life experiences, and talents.  According to boundaries, we must find our own fulfillment and embrace the difference that it is from everyone else’s.  We must uphold our own personal boundaries and know that others don’t own our issues and we don’t own theirs.  This would mean that we are all truly different from eachother.  Some are more broken than others.

My mother’s issues then are hers and not mine to own.  Perhaps she is more broken than I am.  Perhaps I am more than she.  Even though I cannot be in relationship with someone who chooses to live their life blind, as I see it, I still have a choice to forgive her and not carry the anger I grew up with.

Can I accept theses differences?  In time, I’m sure I can.

My husband just reminded me that even if you know what a boundary is, if you don’t practice it, it can become atrophied, just like a muscle.  It is something that a person needs to practice to keep them becoming stronger.  And again, boundaries change, depending on the relationships.

Which brings me to forgiveness and what the different choices you have:  Cheap Forgiveness, Refusing to Forgive, Acceptance and Genuine Forgiveness.

Different types of relationships deserve different types of forgiveness.  A stranger on the street bumps into you.  Its easy to get mad, and even easier to forgive, as you’ll never see them again.  Long term issues with parents seem to take forever to come to that place of erasing the debt you believe they owe you, or even ignoring the issue for the sake of getting along.  How do you want to be in relationship with the different relationships in your life?

Cheap Forgiveness: cheap forgiveness is a way of being in relationship with someone who has wronged you where you may or may not even mention that harm has been done, and continue living in the same relationship without the person doing the harm does nothing to earn your forgiveness.

Refusing to Forgive: When someone has wronged you refusing to forgive is a way to gain back the personal power you feel you’ve lost.  When the party is unwilling to apologize or make amends for their wrongdoing, shutting them out is a means of control to show them how hurt you’ve been by them.  The hurt, pain and anger of the incident is never lessened and grudges are formed.  If the party is willing to apologize, refusing to forgive them becomes a power struggle in showing who is in control of the situation.  “I will never allow myself to be hurt again, by you or anyone”. Getting revenge on someone could also be a train of refusing to forgive.

Acceptance: Acceptance is about choice in how you want to move from the incident.  It only requires your participation. The offending party is still responsible for their offense, however acceptance allows you to understand the reality of the situation and choose how you want to move forward from thereon.  You take responsibility for your own healing process and how you want to be afterwards.  It can be very empowering and life affirming.  There are steps to get to full acceptance including allowing yourself to actually feel the full array of emotions that come with being offended. You also get to take another look at the relationship with that person and then choose how you do want to be in relationship with them.

Genuine Forgiveness:  To genuinely forgive requires both parties to participate.  It is quite like our last week’s blog on the 3 components to an apology, 1) acknowledging there was a problem “I’m sorry”, 2) taking responsibility for the part that you played “it was my fault” and 3) earning the respect or trust of the other party “what can I do to make it up to you?”  When asking for the offending party to make it up its important to be clear on what it is that you do need from them.  Work takes place afterwards for both parties in order to ensure that the habits or patterns of the past do not continue to repeat.  It is up to the offending party to work on their own issues to not reproduce these habits, and believe it or not, the party offended may have even put themselves into the position of being hurt (continuously) and need to work on their habits, as well as remind the offended party if their behaviours are slipping back to old ways of being.  It is not a means of control, but a way for both parties to be in relationship together in a whole new and different way.

I would like to ask if anyone is interested I could elaborate more on each different types of forgiveness next week and the few following weeks, please send me an email or drop me a note.  If you would like to work on these issues individually you can contact me at (403) 266-2867 or email me at michelle@making-strides.ca.

I also would like to acknowledge the book How Can I Forgive You by Janis Abrahms Spring.