After reading Michelle’s blog on Boundaries and Marriage, as a couple we came up with the idea of me (Lenny), writing a guest blog entry from my perspective. Since a marriage and/or a relationship involves two people (with differing views and interests) it’s only a matter of time when there will be issues that can have an impact that will challenge the validity and security of that relationship.
Michelle mentioned in her blog that we went through some very difficult times in January. She was suffering from some major depression and we had a very hard time moving our relationship forward. She was very kind, in her blog, to indicate that I was working hard on myself (in many aspects of my life including my work, exercise and fathering). Similarly Michelle worked very hard at conquering her so called demons and came out a much stronger and wiser person.
We managed to work our way out of this situation, and as a result our relationship has gotten stronger. It is important to recognize that every relationship has its’ ups and downs and it is important to recognize that and don’t get “stuck”. Dealing with issues like that is hard enough, but it becomes even tougher when one of the people involved is co-dependent (yes I’m talking about myself here).
Many people have different ideas what codependency is. Matter of factly, codependency is a disease. It affects our personal lives: our families, children, friends and relatives; our businesses and careers; our health; and our spiritual growth. It is debilitating and, if left untreated, causes us to become more destructive to ourselves and others. Many of us have codependent characteristics, but it’s the constant patterns over an extended period of time that truly defines a codependent individual. Here is a a brief list of some of the common traits of codependents http://www.codependents.org/tools4recovery/patterns.php.
I have been a codependent for a very long time. I believe the patterns, for me, started as early as elementary school, but really solidified by high school. I found many of the characteristics/patterns of behavior that can define a codependent I have. It was very scary for me when I read the list for the first time and could pick out a majority of the patterns to define myself quite easily. Some of the outstanding issues included feelings of inadequacy, needing to prove my love in order to get love, difficulty in communicating my own feelings and difficulty in making decisions.
You know what’s better than being married to a Life Coach? Being married to a life coach who specializes in boundary building! One issue that is common to all codependents is the lack of boundaries. In fact, when I was first asked to describe what a boundary was, I could not answer at all (I basically had a stupid blank look on my face … thankfully, I don’t get that “face” as often anymore). That was about 4 years ago (about the same time I met my wife, funny that). Even though I started learning about boundaries and what they were, I had a difficult time putting to practice what I learned. Now about 4 years later, I’m getting it! As a result progress has been steady although challenging at times, forward movement has been made.
People should also recognize that recovering from codependency is a life long process. It doesn’t just magically go away one day and you’re “normal”. One measure for me and the success of my marriage is the ability to notice when the codependent patterns appear in my everyday life. One such major “warning” is the feeling of being comfortable. I think Michelle and I have learned that if we are comfortable with our relationship (you know that feeling that everything is going so well and it feels that nothing can go wrong … life is perfect) that is the time to challenge yourselves, individually and as a couple and move forward with your relationship. Whether you challenge yourself by starting a new hobby (separately or together) or change things up in the bedroom, you need to move forward. The best way to ensure this happens is through honest and open communication.
In my own opinion I would like to think that “Open and honest Communication is vital for a healthy relationship”. I don’t think it can be any simpler than that. At home, at work, and with others the ability to communicate openly can create a solid foundation for healthy and beneficial relationships. Words like assertiveness and integrity can be implied here as well (your definitions of those terms may very from mine). Assertiveness is the ability to be able to speak how you feel without fear, but understanding the consequences of your actions. Integrity is a two way deal. Being able to understand the feelings of the individual who is communicating to you and inversely to discuss things when it is appropriate.
This is all fine and dandy, but what happens when a codependent screws up (likewise when two people have a major disagreement or falling out). An example of this happened to me last week. I won’t go into details other than to say I pissed Michelle off because I neglected to include her in some very important family issues (dealing with my son, her step-son). In most cases my plea would have been asking for forgiveness, trying to learn from the situation and move on. This sometimes can be an okay method of dealing with the problem. In this case however, Michelle and I decided to handle things a little differently. I started with acknowledging the fact that I indeed made a mistake. I then apologized for my actions. Thirdly I asked how can I make it up to her. (You may have noticed here, that these are the 3 steps to handling an apology. This is a good thing, and it does happen most every time Michelle or I make a mistake. However there is a twist that I’m going to describe next). Once an appropriate action was decided we did something that we really haven’t done before (and I think all couples should really pay attention here) … we then celebrated my “fuck-up”. This was the most amazing thing. We went out and had some Marble Slab Ice Cream. Instead of dwelling on the incident and re-living the event until the action was completed. We started the healing process (and I would argue sped it up as well) but changing the way we deal with the issues. It was both incredible and simple and has paved a way to dealing with conflict and stife in our relationship that much quicker. Wow!
Changing your normal behavior, “unlearn” stale and outdated ways of dealing with conflict (especially if you’re a codependent) and this can lead you down a path to improved relationships with your spouse, family, friends and co-workers. Challenge every day comfort, do things differently. Encourage new ways to deal with conflict (during or after), and learn from those changes. Understand that there are going to be differences in any relationship and how we learn to deal and communicate those differences will only lead to more satisfactory and fulfilling lives and relationships.
Lenny Post
