My hubby and I are getting along so well right now after the turmoil in January. He’s working hard on himself and it shows in everything he’s been doing, including his work, exercise and fathering. He’s spoken of how wonderful life seems to be right now and I couldn’t agree more.
I’ve been meditating, taking interest in my home, crafts, friendships and even called my mother for the first time in 4 years. Learning acceptance among many other things in my life so I can move forward and be the person I want to be. I feel I have the freedom AND the support at the same time.
What does this have to do with boundaries and love? Well our relationship could have gone an entirely different direction with what happened in January. With divorce rates on the rise and even 50% of marriages in Alberta alone so far don’t last, how can people ensure that their marriage is going to be a success?
Living your life with integrity. Thats a big word. As my hubby learned, co-dependent people say yes to anything and everything in order to please people in the moment, without examining themselves and what it is they want. Others say yes simply for fear that if they don’t go along with their spouses wants then they will be abandoned. Later in relationships each “yes” person will get feelings of resentment towards their spouse and then turn the “blame” to their spouse for not looking at their own personal needs, even though they never expressed themselves in the first place.
When my hubby and I first got together in a relationship we became serious about eachother and our intentions right away. We had the hard conversations and asked eachother “what was it in our previous relationships that didn’t work, and what do we want to work on now so that we can have a successful relationship in the hard times as well as the good?” Both of us agreed that communication was number one in our relationships that never worked and that is what we needed to work on now to ensure our growth as a couple.
The very first instance of me needing to communicate my feelings to him was one of the toughest I’ve ever been through. He had previously given me permission to stay over the weekend before while he and I were out with a few drinks with friends. I was elated, he said that the Boy would love it too because he loved me so much already. When it came time for me to stay over he had forgotten what he said the week before and was telling me when I would have to leave. I was hurt, not for the fact that I couldn’t stay over, I would never argue with him as a parent in that regard, it was the telling me one thing and then changing it the next instance. I was hurt and the typical thing most of us do is get upset privately, in front of others. (Well, men would argue that’s a women thing, I can’t disagree alot). When we are asked what is wrong the typical response is “nothing”, and expect others to read our minds. I’ve been guilty of this in my past and wanted more than anything to get past this problem.
When he asked me what was wrong I blurted it out what was going through my mind, and with eyes streaming from fear of being honest, I was in turmoil of losing my relationship already. He hugged me so hard and said he couldn’t believe I was talking to him and saying what I felt out loud, he loved me even more for that vulnerable moment. It was so good for me and him to see that we could progress both as individuals and as a couple so early on.
We often hear how amazing our relationship is from others even though we go through such times of strife to such wonderful times. I love him so.
When planning a serious relationship with someone there are conversations that need to be had with eachother that most people are too fearful to have. Some of the biggest questions to ask eachother and be completely honest is:
How do you see this relationship progressing?
What do you see us doing in the next 20 years?
How do you envision us being in our retirement?
Do you want children?
If so, what are the life lessons you want to instill on them?
What do you want to work on personally and individually that I can support you in?
What do you want our relationship to work on that we both get to support?
I’ve seen couples who don’t ask eachother these hard questions and give eachother honest answers, that they are just deciding to “exist” together and not “be” together. These questions are important to remind eachother of when things go astray during the ups and downs of all serious relationships. And just because someone’s answer doesn’t match our own doesn’t mean that’s the end of the relationship. That difference could mean the potential for growth for the other person. And at the same time, it may signify that your values are completely out of alignment with eachother and may not be the best match for either of you. But its up for each of you to be honest, to accept that honesty and truthfulness as separate and distinct and just as important to each person.
If you are having a hard time accepting differences in others you may want to seek outside your marriage for support, church, groups, counseling and coaching are great ways to help you learn and grow yourself into the person that you truly are, deep down.
For more information on boundaries and coaching, contact Michelle Post at michelle@making-strides.ca or (403) 266-2867.
